Toxic

When we (I) first brought Lady Belladonna home to live with us, I was 100% against her being allowed anywhere in the apartment but the floor. No couches, no chairs, and definitely no beds. I did this, not because I'm mean, but because I had this picture in my head of this grown up, incredibly well-behaved dog that was content to lay at our feet when we sat on the couch, and never tried to jump up on us and never harassed guests when they came over to visit.

I sat on the ground with her, played with her from the floor, didn't put her in my lap when I was on the couch, blah blah blah. We were well on our way to the wonderful, happy, no dog hair on the couch future I had envisioned.

Fast forward 1 week.

I come home from work and there lies SK, in his standard afternoon position, asleep on the couch, TV on, blanket covering him, Bella's little head poking up from under the covers too...

Wait. What?!

HE TOTALLY CAVED ON THE RULES.

Turns out, when I was at work, he was routinely letting her nap with him. On the furniture. Sometimes even on the bed. I thought my head was going to explode.

It was all pretty much downhill from there. Now that we've moved out of the apartment (sniff...I miss you Heights) she has the run of the house. She leaps from couch to couch, tears around on the wood floors, sliding into walls, furniture, our neighbor's small children... AND she sometimes sleeps on the bed with us.

It's a battle I was destined to lose, really. But she's cute and she is always happy to see me, so I mean, who am I to deny her a little more spoonin' time? I was slowly getting used to sharing my side of the bed with a 75lb dog. She sleeps down at my feet, and I am ok with that--just stay away from my face and we're good.

Apparently she was angry at me for something on Monday night because I woke up to what can only be described as the most foul-smelling FUNK I have ever whiffed up these nostrils. SK was out with a friend and I let Bella sleep with me, hugging her a little closer and higher up than usual because I was all alone in the house. Evidently, at some point between 10pm and 2:30am, she flipped her ginormous self around, positioned her booty right near my delicate little olfactory cavities, and LET ONE RIP.

I woke up and immediately panicked, assuming she HAD to have just taken a massive poo on the bed. It smelled THAT BAD. As threw off the covers and stumbled toward the light switch, I was going over what the heck she could have eaten to make her so sick. I actually felt bad for her at that point--poor little thing, got sick and didn't feel well...

WRONG!

I flip the switch and there she is, lying on the bed, looking at me with one eye barely open, all lady, what the eff is wrong with you?? It's 2am--turn off the light! I scan the bed for poop because I refused to believe that she had only farted that stench out, but found none. I turned the fan on high and cracked a window because the smell hadn't dissipated any. I climbed back in bed, flipped her around so her butt was out of my face and unknowingly geared up for Round 2.

That's right, y'all...it happened AGAIN! She scooted back around sometime between 2am and 4am and bombed me a second time.

I was officially pissed upon waking up to a nose full of stink twice in one night, and started to take it personally. Do I not feed you? Do I not play with you? Do I not let you sleep in this massive bed with me, all comfortable and warm? I got up and dragged her to her kennel in the office and shut her inside for the remainder of the night. I walked back into my bedroom and almost passed out from the lingering fumes. I finally fell asleep and had dreams about a war with men in berets throwing vials of toxic gasses at me that were making my face melt off.

Anyone want a free dog?

100

This is my 100th post.

Yipes!

I have been thinking for a while about what I would say, commemorating this milestone in my short blogging career.

I thought I could do an "Ask Cheryl!" type post, but I only ever have around 5 people comment on my stuff, so that would be fairly anti-climactic.

I thought about doing a give-away, but again, with the 5 people. Although, that would mean that your odds would be pretty good, so maybe that would entice you to come back and check me out more often. I don't care if you'd only be doing it for the free stuff! Really, though, I don't have a whole lot of extra stuff to give away. Except dog hair. I have PILES of that stuff. Thanks to Bella, dog hair is now the bane of my existence. I could make little dolls out of it and give THOSE away, though... "It fell out of your hair that way!" Name that movie and you'll have my eternal respect.

And no, I won't really assemble hair dolls out my dog's discarded fur. Unless you piss me off, and then there might be some voodoo involved after the assembling. But you'd have to REALLY make me mad**.

So for my hundredth post, since I have nothing special or fun or flashy to leave you with, I will just say this:

Thanks to the 5 of you that read. I appreciate you taking some time out of your lives to check and see what's going on in mine. I've reconnected with some great old friends via blogging, and have stumbled upon some new, hilarious people I hope to call friends in the future. This has been more than just a pseudo-vocal outlet for me, in which I rant and rave about my dog and boyfriend and Houston, over the past year or so; it's helped me find the self-involved, writing-obsessed, complete mess of a closet-dork inside that's been screaming to get out ever since I shut her away after college with the intention of posing as a mature, sophisticated twenty-something that had it all figured out. And you've all nurtured that girl. You've embraced the inner-geek I've been hiding all these years and you've encouraged me to be all the narcissistic chick I can be! Who would have thought that people would think I was funny? Or that I told stories well? You do, and I love you for it.

Thanks for reading. I pledge to post more often so that you have new reading material...often. I can't promise daily, but I do promise to try and not leave gaping month-long holes. Here's to another 100!

**Not commenting makes me REALLY mad, by the way. I thought threatening with my hundredth post would be effective...

Got 99 problems, but a camera phone ain't one...

I'm getting rid of the pictures on my BlackBerry. Here you go, Internet--take a peek into my life via camera-phone pictures! The last time I did this was here, when I had the little Pink Motorola SLVR. I think the BlackBerry takes better quality photos, but really, they all come from a PHONE, so whatever. Let's have a look, shall we?

This is me and my man, at Justin and Liz's wedding. They got married this past weekend in Dallas. GREAT WEEKEND! Justin is SK's BFF from college and we try to get to DFW to see them as often as we can. They'll be down in a few weeks, though--you owe us, suckers!

Toby and SK, being in loooooovvvveee at the wedding reception. Ok, so maybe SK is in loooooovvvveee and Toby is just in love.

My new work computer! How trippy is THAT? It's a little green box. With a handle. And blue LED lights that make me feel less like working and more like partying when I walk into my office. I like that it has windows on 3 sides so that I can see all the guts of the little guy. I heart it.

SK trying to sleep, Bella trying to play. This does not make SK a happy boy.

Doesn't this look like it might be somewhere in California, instead of right in the middle of Houston, TX? It makes my heart happy to see palm trees and blue skies. Sigh.

This is the view out my office window, sans hurricane residue. The Texans are a very proud and patriotic people. Flags are freaking EVERYWHERE. They really get off in boasting about how the state flag is the only state flag that is allowed to fly as high as the US flag. Don't talk shit about the war or Bush here--they'll put a boot in yer ass, 'cause that's the American way.

**This is also my 99th post, for those that need a more literal interpretation of the title. It's called reading between the lines, people. Or, deciphering the ripped-off Jay Z lyric.

Dolly (Update)

Ok folks. Shit just got REAL.

Real windy and rainy and thundery, that is.

This is what it looked like outside my office yesterday, when I was making fun of Houstonians for losing their shit at the mention of a hurricane:


Not too bad, right? A little overcast, a little windy and a lot reflective. Dang...sorry about that. It's awesome that my phone is floating amongst the trees, though.

Also, those traffic markers in the street? Do you see how they are blocking traffic from driving into the lane on the far right? The lane that is littered with HOLES in the concrete?

Yeah, you heard me. Holes.

All week they've been using this nifty giant hole-in-concrete-maker thing. And clearly from that super technical description you can only assume that it's a quiet machine, and doesn't make the building shake or cause clients in Minnesota to ask over the phone, "hey you guys having some kind of weird storm down there? Sounds like you've got major thunder, don't cha know?" Well, let me tell you, dear Internets, you assume WRONG. I predict my head will still be pounding well into next week, thanks to The Holer.

This is what it looks like now:

Except that from this picture you can't tell how very dark it really is outside, and you can't see the lightning bolts striking down every 7.5 seconds, and you can't hear the wind screaming around the corners of the buildings, and you can't feel the rumbles from the thunder. Also, you can't see the bird that got lost on it's way to it's nest and was unfortunate enough to think that the glass of my office window was calling him home. Damn reflectiveness. Sad bird.

My drive home is gonna be fuuuuuuun.

PS--That road is actually flooded now. In the 6 minutes it took for me to write this, the water has risen up over the curbs and I would guess is now about 6 or 7 inches deep. Apparently the holes in the road do nothing for drainage.

Hello, Dolly!

See that?

That massive, green swirl?

Yeah, that's headed RIGHT TOWARD MY HOUSE.

Just kidding.

I don't know how far away it is in miles, but I consider pretty much anything on the Texas Gulf Coast "just down the street," and definitely close enough to brag about.

Not that I am bragging about a hurricane. I know they are devastating and kill things and are not something normal people should be happy about. However, no one has ever really believed I was normal and therefore I would just like to make it known that I do live near-ish to that giant cyclone of rain and wind, and tell you all about it. Californians have earthquakes, the Midwest handles tornadoes, and the Gulf? Well we get the hurricanes.

I don't remember ever worrying about hurricanes before Katrina. We'd been in Texas for 7 years at that point and I honestly don't recall even hearing about hurricanes possibly making landfall anywhere in Texas. Maybe I was just naive, or maybe I just didn't pay enough attention to the news, or maybe because, for 4 years prior to Katrina I was happy living in my little TLU bubble in the very land-locked metropolis of Seguin and the threat of a hurricane there was ludicrous! LUDICROUS I TELL YOU!

Once Katrina hit New Orleans, people in Texas lost their freaking minds. People became amateur storm trackers and posted "hurricane watch" maps in their houses, and started drilling their kids on rendezvous points outside of the city, should a storm hit and the family wasn't together. I'm not joking. And while I know it's good to be prepared and ready for the unexpected, it really got a little out of control.

When Rita was predicted to hit Galveston, dear holy shit, you would have thought that someone ran into the middle of downtown Houston with a megaphone and screamed that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were naked in Conroe, ready and willing to have a massive orgy with all the residents of Harris County, but you had to leave NOW so GO! GO! GO!

It was taking people 12 hours to make what is normally an hour and a half drive, because the entire city emptied out at the same time and all had to go in the same direction. And then Rita swung north and attacked Beaumont, completely missing Houston, only dropping a little rain. The bitch.

That was the last (and only, to my knowledge) major hurricane episode I have experienced in Houston in 10 years. I have gotten a ton of e-mails today, asking how we are doing and wondering whether or not the storm is blowing my house down. I appreciate the concern and yes, I am fine and no, my house is not blown over. I don't, however, buy into the hype, and will probably not ever leave my house to sit on the highway for 20 hours with the rest of the city.

I will gladly take a Hurricane Day from work, though, thanks.

Fun with words (Edit)

Go here.

I created this one day when I was bored out of my mind. I am not sure where I found it or how the heck I got to it online, which is how I generally find fun stuff on the web.

Have you ever done that? Been looking at a blog or website and 20 minutes later find yourself buried so deep in the middle of the Internet that you'd have to back-click 5,378 times to FINALLY end up where you began? No? Just me? Ok then...

This site is fun to mess with and I spent a good hour just playing with the colors and fonts and layouts. I think I am going to work on one for SK (hehe...time for the Thesaurus!).

**For you crafty folk, I think these might make cool gifts, too. You could go a number of different ways with them; funny, sincere, profane, etc., and print them out and frame them for someone.

Can you spare a square?

I work for a small company. We rent office space in a big building that houses a bunch of other small/medium-sized businesses. This means that our little IT company shares a floor with a diverse group of industries, from a doctor’s office to a petroleum processing group to a small travel company. This ALSO means that we are all faced with a situation I have not dealt with since my sophomore year of college.

Community bathrooms.

There are 2 bathrooms on each floor, one for men and one for women. Each woman’s bathroom has 3 stalls and 2 sinks. They are not big facilities—no couches or baby-changing stations or anything like that. Basically, they’re built for business, if ya know what I’m saying.

So it never ceases to amaze me when I walk into the bathroom and find women doing a number of different things, aside from actually GOING TO the bathroom.

It weirds me out when people talk on their phones in the bathroom. First of all, what kind of Nazi do you work for that they won’t allow you an extra 3 minutes after a bathroom break to have a quick conversation? I know people are busy, but really? The only time in your day you have to discuss your dinner plans for the night coincide with the time you spend on the john? And the topics I have heard some women going over while they’re locked in a stall, feet poking out from under the door, toilet paper roll spinning! Everything from baby food brands to anniversary plans to bitchy bosses. I don’t know about all of you, but I have very few friends who would actually be amused at hearing me pee while talking to them on the phone, and they would probably be REALLY offended to hear other people peeing while on the phone with me. This odd bathroom habit grosses me out.

Even grosser than that, though, is something I have witnessed for about a year, and is apparently following me from floor to floor. We moved from the 2nd to the 3rd floor in March because we needed more space. While on the 2nd floor, I noticed that if I ever went into the restroom around lunch-time, I could usually find 2 or 3 small Asian women in there, doing dishes.

Doing DISHES.

Yeah…

They would bring the Tupperware containers that they carried their lunches in and wash them out after lunch. Not too bad when you read it just like that, but if the situation were really that simple I wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of it.

Not only do they wash out their containers, but they also dump the remnants of their lunches into the sink and then proceed to smash the noodley mess down the drain. Then, they wash their faces and brush their teeth. I suppose I could commend their hygienic habits, but it is just so weird to observe that I avoid the bathroom between the hours of 11 and 1 altogether.

I made a point of saying we have moved from the 2nd to 3rd floor for a reason, too. When we were on the 2nd floor, I would see these women doing this every day. Their office was right next door to mine so I could see when they were headed for the bathroom. I was hoping to escape this when we moved to the 3rd floor, but now they just come to the 3rd floor bathroom every day! I felt like I was stuck in some weird bad dream the first day I walked into the bathroom on the 3rd floor and they all looked up at me from the sink, noodles going down the drain, one of them in mid-face wash.

Have you ever witnessed strange bathroom habits? In PUBLIC areas? Please make me feel better about this insane circle of bathroom hell I have to endure each day.

Ooohh...so shiny and new!

Thanks to Liz for filling me into the wonderful world that is LeeLou (link to the left). Such cute blog designs! And, they're free! Yeah, Liz! And thanks, LeeLou--so talented and so generous to let us HTML-challenged bloggers use your fun work.

Coming soon: stories of how I know some of the awesome ladies on my "Check 'em out" list to the left. Stay tuned ;)

House photos!

So since I lost our camera in February, I have had to settle for taking pictures with my phone. I took a couple of the living room last weekend and have been meaning to post them so that you all can see where we hang out when we're not at work. Or a bar. We spend lots and lots of time at bars.

I wish I had the "before" pictures of the house. All the walls you see in these pictures were GOLD. Like, gold coin GOLD. It was, um...a little jarring to walk into the house with all the GOLD screaming at you from the walls, "LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!! I'M GOLD!!" The color had to go. We spent three days priming and taping and drop-clothing (?) and painting to get rid of it all. I am quite happy with the results. Welcome to to my Mahogany Revival and Fudge Bar home.

This is the living room and kitchen. I am standing to the right of fireplace, in the little hall to the master bedroom. The door out to the backyard is right behind me. SK collects masks from all kinds of places, so we hung them on the wall dividing the living room and kitchen where there is room to expand the collection. On the dark brown wall to the right, hang all of his Pearl Jam vinyl. He's a HUGE Pearl Jam fan and has their albums framed. Makes for cool wall art. And see that HUGE GLOWING MASS in the back corner of the kitchen? That would be my AeroGarden, growing little herbs like basil, thyme, and dill. Too bad it looks like I am growing the pot marijuana in my house.

Here is another view of the living room and some of the kitchen. Yes, we have a knight guarding our fireplace. Wanna make fun? I dare you pick it up. That sucker is freaking HEAVY. The tile around the fireplace is dark and light green marble. It's really pretty, but I hate that it is flush with the floor and wall. Also, the "floating mantle" thing we have going on over there is a little odd. The dark brown wall is a little bare right now...we're looking for something cool to put over the fireplace, and possibly a couple cool prints to fill the space next to the knight. I hate white space on walls. Even if the walls aren't white. I can't handle it. The other big light spot in the picture? That's our front door, not more pot-growing.

More photos coming soon. Or, whenever I get around to taking them and loading them onto the computer.

Bordering on an obsession

Last night I received the greatest gift in the world.

Thanks Chandra's** husband.

**I can use Chandra's name in my blog because I know she doesn't care. And she loves me. I have not, however, spoken to the man in her life about using HIS name here. Although I am fairly certain that he wouldn't care and that he loves me, too.

Anyway, last night I got--are you ready for this? Because, really, I don't think you are--THE POWER CORD TO HIS OLD LAPTOP!!

I know, I know...

I just completely blew your minds!

Seriously, though, this is a big deal for me. Two years ago this December, I moved out of an apartment that I shared with a friend from high school and when we parted ways I was in such a rush to get the hell out, I left a whole cupboard full of juice glasses, a shelf of coffee mugs, a box with some spices and photos and a blanket (don't judge my packing), and my laptop power cord.

I tried to contact my old roommate about possibly returning said items, but got a whole bunch of "yeah sure--when I'm on that side of town, I'll drop it all off," and a few "wanna meet somewhere?"'s. I agreed to meet him wherever, just name the place, because my poor little computer was sucking all the life out of it's battery, but he then stopped returning my phone calls. UNCOOPERATIVE.

Eventually, I got past thinking I might see my power cord again and stole my brother's. We had received the same type of laptop for Christmas a few years ago (again...don't judge. So my laptop is old? I love her.) and he was living at home with full access to my parent's computer, and he never used his laptop.

All was right in my world for a few months, and then Bella...

I love her, but sometimes I just want to tie a big red bow around her neck and drive her out to the middle of the country and plop her down on the first wrap-around porch I see with a sign that reads, "Free dog. I will eat your life."

She ATE the power cord. I was so pissed initially that I didn't even consider how bad it probably was for her to have eaten electrical equipment. LIVE electrical equipment. The thing was plugged into the wall when she decided it looked tasty and wanted to sample.

Arg.

So when Chandra's man's computer crashed and he didn't need the power cord anymore, he offered it to me. YAY!

I am SO looking forward to plugging it in when I get home and getting on the internet all over my house. I think I will read CNN.com from the fireplace mantle tonight.

Sharing too much?

I was just checking out my blog stats with SiteMeter, that nifty little web-tracker to the right, and found that people are finding my corner of the internet through some interesting channels.

People looking for Beatles music are sure to be disappointed when they end up here, as are the people looking for Beatles lyrics, and Beatles facts in general (maybe I could get a little music player or something to spout off my favorite Beatles songs to placate them?). But the ones that have got to be most upset when they arrive at my blog are those searching how to "elf your house at Christmas."

Um...oookay...

I did realize, though, that people are coming here because they have done searches on specific names that I have in my posts. Now, I understand that there are tons of people in the world with the same names, and I get that someone in Australia searching for "SK" probably isn't searching for MY SK, but they could be.

I use real names in my blog. I use LAST names in my blog. I am realizing now that maybe I shouldn't. I have never asked the boy I socked in the face if I could use his name on the internet. I never asked permission to use real names in the post I wrote about the 3 very special women in my life who inspire me daily to be better and more focused than I am. I just never thought to. I would be flattered if MY name were in someone's blog...I suppose I just assumed that anyone else would be too, and that even if the post wasn't boasting their greatness, that they would know it was me writing, and KNOW it was all written in jest.

So here's a question to you out there, whether or not I have mentioned you in my blogs: how do you feel about using real names in blogs? If it's someone I haven't seen in 10 years, should I keep them anonymous? If it's someone I just met, should I give them a nickname? If it's one of YOU, would you prefer to stay just a nameless character in my life?

I am considering making this change retroactive (until I get some feedback, so HELP!) and going back to fix the names in past posts. I don't ever mean to offend, and I apologize if I have. Please keep reading ;)

Goodbye June

I'm still here.

I just haven't been feeling very vocal lately.

I've been consumed with Mondays through Fridays of hardcore office work, and then Friday/Saturday nights of non-stop house parties. At MY house. Which, don't get me wrong, I enjoy 100%, but it's all just started to take it's toll and instead of sitting down to write when I have a free moment, all I really want to do is collapse onto my bed and cover my head with a pillow and JUST SLOW DOWN ALREADY.

So this weekend, I did.

My Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Chip have moved back to Texas, soon to be followed by cousins Elizabeth and Matthew in a few weeks and really, when I tell you that I couldn't be happier about this I really really want you to believe me and understand the joy this brings me because YAY! THEY ARE BACK!

I spent the whole 3-day weekend with them at my parent's house, hanging out by the pool, drinking margaritas via the spiffy machine above that they bought SK and I as a housewarming gift, and playing CatchPhrase and Wii golf late into the night. It was a weekend of relaxation, shopping, and catching up.

It provided the rejuvenating lift that has eluded me the past month and this morning I woke up, hopped out of bed and declared, BRING IT THE FUCK ON, JULY.