a phone call...

...can take your breath away.

I sat on the other end of the phone, speechless.

Worthless.

Not paying attention to the traffic surrounding me.

I had nothing to offer you. Nothing to say.

I love you so much.

I hope you know that. I told you, but I hope you really know.

Our friendship spans decades.

So much history, so much laughter. So few sad moments.

I know you don't know this exists. You'll never read this.

Maybe that's why I'm writing it.

You'll be happy to know that when I got off the phone and was unable to just be in the house, I went for a run and ran my best 2 mile time. Ever. My legs felt great.

Then I sobbed for 10 minutes in the shower. I couldn't catch my breath. My chest felt like it was closing in.

I wanted to rage.

Against the ones that didn't call me sooner.

Against the demons you're fighting off.

Against you, for choosing this path.

I am angry. Confused. Sad that you didn't reach out sooner, but I guess I understand why it would be tough.

I hope you call me often. I hope you answer when I call you. Because I will. Maybe daily.

I know this might sound like I am making this about me. I don't mean for it to.

I really don't know how to deal with the information you've given me.

I hope you learn how to deal with it.

I miss you.

Please get better. For everyone that loves you. For yourself.

Please.

Please.