Bella was in a weird “let’s play fetch until I DIE” type mood, which, if you have ever met my dog, you know is just OFF. She loves to chase her ball or rope or bone for approximately 4 throws down the hall. Upon bringing the toy back to you after the 4th throw, she sits like she wants you to throw it again, but when you do she just watches it go. And then doesn’t go get it. Ever. If dogs could roll their eyes, she most certainly would roll them at you for that 5th throw. Didn’t you KNOW she just wanted to bring it back and be done? How dare you suggest that she should go get it again. Stupid human.
So she is hyper and running around and bringing me every toy out of her toy box, and I’m thinking, whatever…at least this is keeping me from staring at the clock, as I sneak another look at 7:26.
7:39, I hear what can only be a delivery truck downstairs. I run out onto the balcony and see the Mattress Firm van with the Mattress Firm men in it. They get out and I kind of scream, kind of hyperventilate, “IS THAT MY MATTRESS?!?!” And they look up at me and kind of laugh, kind of freak the hell out and ask, “Apartment blank-blank-blankity blank?” They took my yelp of delight and my happy dance 3 floors above them as a yes.
Because she was so hyper, I did what I thought was the smart thing and shut Bella in the extra room, where her kennel is. I toss in some toys and close the door. She immediately starts flipping out, throwing her body against the door and crying like I have cut off a leg. The delivery guys are bringing the mattress and box spring into the apartment at this point, and I am hopping around in the living room, pointing excitedly at the bedroom saying, “It goes in there! It goes in there!” like there is ANYWHERE else it could go. The guys are eyeing the closed doors that Bella is still frantically slamming herself into, which makes me feel a tiny bit guilty, so I open the door and try to calm her down. Turns out, she decided to empty her bladder all over the floor. Great. Gotta love the Fear Pee.
While the delivery guys are unwrapping the mattress and setting it up on our bed frame, I grab some paper towels to clean up Bella’s puddle. I’m mopping up pee when they leave, so I just shout “Thanks!” and go back to my mess. I let Bella out of the room and she runs around, looking for the reason she was locked up for a minute and a half (the guys were quick!) and I finally make it back to our bedroom to check out the mattress.
OH. MY. GOD.
It is MASSIVE.
I am 5’2”. The mattress is AT LEAST 4’ high, sitting in the bed frame. Which means that when I walked into the bedroom, I could no longer see the headboard of the bed behind the mound of mattress. It also means that to turn off my alarm clock in the morning, I was going to have to reach DOWN a foot and a half, which, REALLY?? Do I really need to explain how absent coordination is from my life at 6am? The huge mattress also posed a problem Chuck, Mattress Salesman of the Year, neglected to mention we might run into—no fucking way my normal queen sheets were going to fit on that bad boy.
I have one fitted king sheet, since I used to have a feather mattress on my bed in college, so I stretched it over the behemoth sitting on our now miniature-sized frame. BARELY fit, but it will do for now. No matter that it’s purple and we are now in dangerous territory as purple sheets does not a man-friendly bed make. It’s the only thing that fits!
So I make up the rest of the bed and I really wish I had thought to grab the camera last night and snap a picture, because there are no words to describe to you how ridiculous this mattress looks in our room. The queen top sheet doesn’t completely cover the sides or end of the thing, nor does our queen comforter. The pillows at the head of the bed add about a foot and a half of height, which, if you’re doing the math, now makes the bed TALLER THAN ME. Bella had a great time jumping up onto it, but let out a noticeable “HRUMPH” when she jumped off and landed. It’s like leaping out of the bed of a lifted truck.
SK got home and I showed him the comedy that is now our bedroom and a “woooaah…” was all I got from him. He had been at work for 15 hours yesterday, complete with a bus ride for the soccer team from Coach K, so he was pretty exhausted and ready to get in bed. We climbed up and let out a joint ahhhhh… Even though it is hilariously huge, that sucker is freaking comfortable.
At least, that’s what I thought. I woke up this morning with a stiff neck, cranky about the fact that I had woken up about 5 or 6 times throughout the night. I woke up grumbling and was getting ready for work when SK walked into the bathroom. He stretched his arms over his head, gave me a kiss on the forehead and gushed, “I slept SO well last night!” I growled back that I did not. He looked alarmed and went about getting ready for work himself, knowing that a conversation about how the bed would probably just take some getting used to would do NO good right now. He really does know me very well.
I got to my office and bitched to anyone who would listen about how my new mattress sucks and how disappointed I was. Apparently I just need to give it time. Chandra said maybe I was just so used to sleeping on a crap mattress that my body was adapting to the wonderfulness of the new one. Katy, my co-worker in Dallas, said she ran into the same issue with her new mattress, but now she sleeps like a baby on it.
So time I will give it. But so help me, if I am not sleeping better in a week and am still waking up with stiff necks and sore shoulders, Chuck, Mattress Salesman of the Year, is going to have some explaining to do. And no amount of “memory foam’s,” or “movement recognition’s,” will help him this time.