November 9, 2007

On having it all together

From Free Will Astrology:
Contrary to what the Bible says, it won't be the meek who shall inherit the earth. On the other hand, the arrogant power mongers won't collect the legacy either. Neither the indecisive wimps nor the acquisitive bullies will contribute much to creating the New World.

Who, then, will inherit the earth? What kind of human beings are best-equipped to thrive in the evolving game of life? We say it will be the well-disciplined pleasure-seekers who are in vigorous dialogue with their own dark sides, who balance the masculine and feminine aspects of their natures, and who master the fine arts of working at their play and playing at their work.

Hmmm…looks like I won’t be inheriting the earth anytime soon. Honestly, I never really thought this was an opportunity for me anyway, but now that I know it’s really going to the people who have all of their shit together? Well, really—who saw that coming?

For me to become one of those people I think I need to grow up about 15 years. It’s odd because just when I think I am doing well and have everything in order and finally have a handle on things, I do something like overdraft my bank account by $300, or drink way too much on a week night, or be unnecessarily mean to someone I love. I definitely do not have all of my shit together.

I sometimes wonder where I derailed. When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I grew up (a marine biologist), where I wanted to go to school (UC Santa Barbara, to major in marine biology), where I was going to live (on the beach in Santa Barbara, with a winter house in Hawaii), what my favorite animal was (dolphin) and even what my favorite color was (green). I don’t think the 14 year old me would be very impressed with the 24 year old me, and that bums me out.

I realized in high school that science was tough and that honestly, I wasn’t really that interested. That was hard for me to get used to, and I remember being really distraught about the fact that I wasn’t going to continue to take science classes after the required biology, chemistry and physics. I felt like a failure. It was my first real experience with “giving up” on a dream.

After that, I tried changing my attitude towards my future. I decided to let it come to me instead of trying to make myself fit into this vision of perfection that I was creating in my mind.

I have a very real problem with imagining how things “should be” and not realizing that the expectations I am setting for others and myself are really REALLY unrealistic. Ask my mom. Let her tell you about the many times when I was young and came out of my room BAWLING because the idea of the black socks with the blue dress that I had in my mind really didn’t look so good in real life. I am not kidding.

So I have tried to keep this mentality of “let life happen” going. Sometimes I am not so good at it and I get really disappointed with where I am. Most of the disappointment comes from where I am professionally, because 14 year old me really thought that we would be taking over the world by now. Or that we would have at least made our first billion.

But I am finding that it’s when I try to control everything that is going on in my life, that’s when it all falls apart. When I freak out and obsess, all it does it stress me out and I start taking out my frustrations on the parts of my life that are awesome and there is a severely damaging chain reaction that ensues.

I have been told numerous times in the past year “ if you want to make God laugh, make plans.” While I am not a religious person, this always makes me think. There is obviously something bigger out there, and while I am not sold on the idea of a life plan being previously mapped out for me, I know that I have a purpose. And I know that if I quit trying to MAKE things fit the way I want them to, I will someday be able to see what that purpose is.

I just need to chill out and be ok with the fact that I really don’t have my shit together. And that just because where I thought I would be at 14 is not where I am now, that doesn’t make me a sell out or a bad person. So what if I don’t inherit the Earth? I wasn’t ever one of the meek ones anyway.

1 comment:

karen said...

god i feel you on this. overdrafting my acct, living paycheck to paycheck, not having a real job, living at's all temporary and i nEVER thought i'd be here, even 2 years ago! it's hard. thank god we have our wine chatfests! otherwise i'd go crazy...

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