February 19, 2008

Turning it around

I started this blog to curb boredom at work. I thought that maybe instead of messing around on myspace or facebook, and in place of compulsively checking my personal e-mail account every 10 minutes, I would write. That might sound a little odd, but I thought that in place of aimlessly surfing from page to page on some social website, I could just keep a word file open all day and when the mood struck me, I would click over to it and put down whatever it was that was taking my focus off of my work.

Unfortunately, that is not what this has become.

I have lost sight of what I wanted this webpage to be for me. To be completely truthful, I don’t think I ever really made it into half of what I wanted to begin with. Instead of writing my thoughts and being honest and free, I have gone the easy route and told you all (all 4 of you) story upon story about my dog, and the lady who hit my car, and how frustrating it is to be a financially unstable twenty-something living with her boyfriend.

Not that any of that is bad, because it’s not. DON'T MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I AM WRITING. I enjoy SO MUCH reading about other people’s lives. I love reading stories about your children and your animals and your tough days and your good days. I love seeing your pictures and reading about all the funny things your kids say and how excited you are to be becoming parents soon.

It’s just not what I thought this would turn into for me.

I feel like some of the posts I have written have been meaningful. Some have been because I felt like I should post something that day. Others have been published solely in the hopes of making someone laugh when they read them, which is meaningful, I suppose. So ok, forget that last part--I like making people laugh ;)

I have always thought that I had something to say. I have opinions on just about everything and have never EVER been afraid to voice those with conviction. But for some reason, on here, to the Internet, I am afraid of saying what it is I really want to say. Exactly what I am hesitant about, I don’t really know.

Possibly of judgment. From who? The handful of people who read this site, to most of whom I am related? Maybe. Probably.

It’s something I am deciding that I need to get over.

Not that I am never going to write another post about Bella, or SK, or the woes of buying our first house, because I so totally will because yeah, hi, that’s my life. But now, I will try and write about those things with the same intensity and passion with which I live them.

I will try and write so that you get to know ME. Not just the sarcastic, in love, dresses her dog in a blue king pillowcase for Halloween me, but the real, flawed, not always 100% sure of herself me. Because I need to know that these things, my life that is happening to me right now, is more than can be explained in a picture post, or a borrowed internet survey. I want to be able to look back at what I have written and remember how I felt when I wrote it, and right now, I can’t say that about much I have written.

So there you go, Internet. I am vowing to change. Well, I am vowing to TRY to change. Lay it all bare in a blog. Let go and throw it right out there for the world to see and pick apart.

Sigh.

Please be kind.

3 comments:

KAREN! said...

i was going to read a sort of tell- all, lets talk about me blog today adn your posted just solidified my desire to do so.
i think im afraid someone will read it and judge, but really-- who the fuck cares? life is too short. and if something does happen that i dont like? there's a delete button.
xo! (we are due for a drink soon btw)

Jesse's girl said...

I have felt the same way, so many times. Those days when I decide to be honest and write what I truly feel and believe, I find myself giving a "warning" at the begining. Why? Why should I warn people that I'm about to be "real" with them? Who cares? And, if they are coming to read MY blog, shouldnt they want the real ME? So what am I warning them about?

I'm 100% with you. We can both work on being more real and sharing ourselves, with no disclaimers or warnings.

And honestly, I'm excited to read about the real you. Bring it on! :)

Chandra Lynn said...

ummm... your posts have special meaning to me! I heart them. And I won't judge your new posts anymore than I judge you when we talk at our wine nights. ;) Kidding - you know I'm just as out there as you are.

Love you lady!

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