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Apparently, the Real Me is boring and has nothing to say.

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I liked Semi-Fake Me.

I bet you all did too. She was funny (sometimes) and posted often and told stories about cars catching on fire, drowning in mattresses, and how her dog slams her head into walls because she thinks it will help her get to the human she so insanely loves on the other side.

Sigh.

In an attempt to get my blogging butt back in gear, I am going to create a list. If you know me, you know how much I absolutely ADORE lists. I think that there should be lists created for everything. Going swimming? Make a list of all the things you’ll need. Buying lunch? Make a list of all the possibilities. You can even make lists for stuff you DON’T want to do or buy! The listing potential of life is endless.

I think I like lists so much because I am such a freak about avoiding procedure and structure in my life. With a list, I feel like I am participating in a process I am in complete control of, a process I can handle and one that won’t make me spontaneously combust from the pressure of DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY. If I make the list, then obviously I am capable of doing/buying/completing all the items on it, which makes me feel powerful and in charge. Which I like. A lot.

But enough about my list obsession.

My idea for this post will hopefully spawn many other posts that you, dear InterWeb, will want to read. I am going to create a list of stuff about me (an elaboration of the “5 Things” post from a few weeks ago) and I am going to be as honest and open as possible. If there is anything on the list that you see that you’d like to hear more about, or hear the story behind, just leave a comment and I will create a post dedicated to the item you chose. If I get nothing back in the comment department, no worries…hopefully just creating this list will be the creative boost I need to get back in the game. And if not, well, at least I got to spend some time making a fun list.

1. I have an older brother. I don’t think a lot of people know this about me, even though I tell just about everyone I meet. I think people forget about him. I haven’t seen him in over 10 years.

2. The only pets I can ever remember having have been black Labradors and random fish. My mom outlawed gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs and basically any rodent and/or outdoor animal of any kind in our house. These things were vermin and not to be considered pets.

3. Once, my younger brother and I found a baby bird and broke my mom’s rule and brought it into the house. We kept it for a few days and then, in an attempt to teach it to fly, my neighbor broke its wing and it died.

4. I know all the words to the following 5 movies: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Jim Carrey’s Grinch, Elf, Napoleon Dynamite, and Clueless.

5. I can still remember my phone number from 1998. I get my current cell number scrambled up when people ask for it.

6. I can remember the license plates of both of my parent’s cars from California. I couldn’t tell you the plate # of my car right now if you paid me. The missing digit throws me off.

7. Pennies annoy me. I almost always throw them into any water feature I happen to be near. By my estimation, I have tossed away 58,649 dollars in my lifetime in pennies. Dangit.

8. I can’t get pedicures. There are multiple reasons for this. People are always amazed when I tell them how much I can’t stand them.

9. I loathe Peeps. Y’know, the sprinkle-covered chick and bunny-shaped marshmallow candies? HATE THEM.

10. Ben Harper’s “Strawberry Fields Forever” is quite possibly the greatest Beatles cover of all time. It is on the “I am Sam” sound track. I suggest you go check it out.

11. I once lied to my parents about how I wrecked my car because I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth: that it was 10am on a Saturday morning, I was dead sober, and I honestly just didn’t see the tree.

12. I sometimes have dreams of my deceased grandfather. Nothing scary. In my most recent one, he met SK and shook his hand and then told me he approved. I wake up missing him so much that my chest hurts for the rest of the day. I would have those dreams every night if I could.

13. I refuse to be friends with people who wear socks with sandals.

14. When I get really nervous, I throw up. When I don’t get enough sleep, I throw up. My terrible gag reflex also causes me to throw up. I should be a lot thinner than I am.

15. Donuts really gross me out. I will probably eat one if you give it to me, though.

16. At my 13th (14th?) bday party, my friends and I set my parent’s kitchen table on fire. I don’t think my parents ever found out. Yes, they were home.

17. My brother and I are CONVINCED we caught a super-spider in 1998. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen and was the weirdest bug. No one believes us when we talk about it.

18. I once SANG the Pledge of Allegiance. Boo-yah.

19. I have never seen the original three Star Wars movies. SK says this makes me un-American. I simply remind him that I once SANG the Pledge of Allegiance. Double boo-yah.

20. My swim coach in high school was paralyzed from the waist down. Swimming with just her arms, though, she was still faster than the fastest swimmer on our co-ed Varsity team. She was a badass.

21. The Hills Have Eyes made me vomit. Literally. I don’t care if you have read this 17 thousand times on this blog or in surveys I have done, or if you have heard it from me 2 billion times. I will tell everyone I come into contact with that it was seriously the worst movie ever made.

22. I was a ballerina when I was little. For my first recital, I wore a sparkly yellow tutu with a sequin covered head dress that looked like a shiny flat banana on my head. Somewhere, my parents have the video. In the closet of my room at their house, hangs the tutu.

23. I don’t give money or food to fat bums. OBVIOUSLY they are eating somewhere. Is that mean? Eh.

24. One summer, however, I gave 25 McDonald’s cheeseburgers to a pregnant bum.

25. I have an uncle who works at the state penitentiary in Lompoc, California. This is the state pen that was made infamous by Vin Diesel in “The Fast and the Furious,” except that he was a total tool and pronounced it Lom-Pock. It’s Lom-Poke, dumbass.

26. I also have an uncle who works in Hollywood. He used to work on the TV show Wings, and then on Frasier. He’s pretty badass and got us in to see all kinds of show tapings at the major studio lots.

27. I have punched 3 people in the face in my life (thus far). 2 of them have been boys.

28. At my elementary school, we had monthly earthquake and drive-by drills along with the more standard fire drills.

29. I once was kicked in the ear under water while playing a game. It resulted in a broken ear drum and partial hearing loss in my left ear.

30. I get really offended if you don’t like my dog. SHE loves YOU. What’s your deal?