April 18, 2012

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers - wait, what the..?? Not all of us...

First of all, hellloooo to my new followers!  That little number to the left is pushin' up to 15 and I appreciate ya ;)  Welcome, welcome!  Now let me start off by possibly immediately offending you.

Saul and I attended a wedding this weekend, which is pretty much standard for us since we're in that time of our lives when every single person we know seems to be getting married.  They're a blast and we love them (the free booze AND celebrating our friends), so this is not a post bitching about weddings.

Although, I have done that in the past.  

Anyway, this is a rant about babies.  Not babies in general - you'd have to be pretty fucking heartless to just go off and rant about a BABY - but the subject of babies amongst friends and even strangers and the judgement (OH - the judgement!) that comes from those conversations.

It is common knowledge that Saul and I are choosing not to have children.  Well, at least at this point it's a choice.  I guess we don't know if we even can have kids, but that's not something we've ever thought about, so moving on...  Our friends and family all know that we're not on the baby-train and while yes, they might tease us about it and occasionally give us some grief, they don't press the issue or condemn us for our decision.

We choose to live our lives care-free and as spontaneously as possible.  We like to be able to decide on a whim to go out to a nice dinner, or to head down to the beach at 8pm on Wednesday, or to book a trip out of town for the weekend.  Now, before you go getting your panties in a wad, I get that you CAN do all that with kids.  I have friends who have kids.  My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have kids.  Are they chained to their houses?  No.  Does doing something like going out of town require a little more planning on their part?  YES.  Saul and I are choosing not to introduce that extra factor into our lives right now.

I qualify that statement with the "right now" because HOLY SHIT has that gotten the questions to die down a bit.  People react so much more harshly to "No, we're not having kids," than they do to "No, we're not having kids RIGHT NOW."  Sure, I still get some follow up questions, but usually they just let that declaration sit.  I'm not sure why - maybe they assume we've tried and just haven't been able to conceive yet?  Whatever their thought process is, the questions usually stop there.

The real ranting on this subject comes as a result of speaking with people I didn't even know at the wedding this last weekend.  Saul was a groomsman, so he and I sat with the rest of the wedding party and I introduced myself to the girlfriends/wives.  I don't know what it is about married people, but when you meet other married people the questions usually flow like this:

"How long have you been married?"
"Do you have any kids?"

Ugh.  To both questions.

I try my damnedest to ask something more interesting - "What do you guys do for fun in xxxx (town where you live)?"  "What's your drink of choice?"  "What color is your thong?"

One of the girls I was talking to was all smiley and nice and cordial until I responded to the second question with a solid, "No."  Her face immediately went all horrified and twisty as she gasped and asked, "WHY?"  My face immediately went all hell no and bitch, please as I responded, "Because we don't want to."  Good God, you would have thought I killed her puppy.  FYI - that's all the explanation you need, hooker.  The rest of the questions she asked were all old hat for me...she asked how old I was, whether we had tried (!!!), and if we had any friends with kids already.  I told her I was turning 29 this month and she calmed down a little, letting out a relieved sigh saying, "Oh, well then you still have time."

Newsflash - it's not about "still having time."

I turned away and sipped on my drink, but it was still awkward as hell because Mrs Baby Patrol was sitting right next to me and we hadn't even started dinner yet.  Make no mistake - she didn't ruin my night, but JESUS...have some tact.

Just a tip to those of you who judge the non-baby-makers: cut it the fuck out.

I don't think you're weird if you have a kid.  I don't tell my friends I don't understand their decision to grow their families.  I don't hate babies.

Quit acting like I've committed some mortal sin.

It's rude.  It's none of your business.  It's (surprisingly enough) kind of hurtful when someone forms an immediate opinion of me and/or my character based solely on my decision not to procreate.  I'm not doing it to personally offend you - I'm doing it because it's what makes sense in my life.  I've never felt the urge to have a child.  Saul is on board with that.  If I ever feel differently, Saul and I will figure it out.  Leave our choice alone.

Also, I kind of hate that I felt like I needed to defend my stance in a post.


melifaif said...

I get it. Kids are not for everyone. I respect you a helluva lot more than the ones that bang em out and then don't take care of em! To each their own. And I LOATHE nosey ass questions....I like the color of your thong question though! :) Red, thanks. And you?

Annabelle said...

What I don't get is this illusion these women give that parenthood is only way to acheive somesort of enlightment into the purpose for living.

OK, I have kids, I love being a mother, but HELL YEAH sometimes I daydream of the version of my life without them.

I so get the joy in that decision too. A life that is wholly your own is an equally beautiful thing. It's not selfish it's brave.

And, some of the longest and most successful marriages I've seen are childless. You can only split your engergies into so many directions. There's something to that.

Sorry, didn't mean to soapbox your comments.

drollgirl said...

SING IT, SISTER! i agree with you 100%.

i'd like to add that it ISN'T A CRIME to be unmarried. christ. i am 41, don't have kids, and i am fine. not all of us are cut out for kids and/or marriage. who fucking cares. live your lives people, and don't worry about what the rest of us do! for reals!!!!!

and when people are nosy with all of their follow up questions, it is SUPER ANNOYING. i usually give a "fuck off" look, but it doesn't always shut them up! argh!

drollgirl said...

p.s. my boyfriend has kids. they are fun and i like them and all, but I ALSO LIKE GOING HOME TO MY QUIET HOUSE WITH TWO CATS. for reals. kids take over lives. they really do. i didn't necessarily PLAN to not have kids, but then again i wasn't gung-ho enough about the kid idea to ever really try and get them. and i think it is probably for the best that i never did have kids -- i am too selfish -- and too impatient -- to deal with all that is involved in raising kids! lol

bananas. said...

and a good job at defending you did! that shit pisses me off and i should know because i get it ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME!!! arrrgggghhh!! it is by far the shittiest part of aging and being in a serious relationship. wait til you're 30...it gets even WORSE!

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